Nikki's Guide to Driving in Utah

We all already know that Utah drivers suck. We're quite proud of our skills, really. In fact, the only drivers worse than Utahns, are drivers from Idaho. Here in the Beehive State, the DMV gave us a piece of plastic with a hideous picture of ourselves on it, and therefore, we are entitled to the road. We own it. Hey, you! Get off my damn road! For those of you who may have been taught to drive in another state, I've gone through the trouble of writing up a how-to so that you too can drive like a Utahn. You can thank me later.
Lesson One: Passing Pokies
We nearly always pass on the right. You may have been taught that the left lane is for passing. You pass the pokies and move back over right? No, sir...not in this state. Unfortunately for drivers from the other 49 states, Driver's Ed went in one ear and out the other in Utah. Why is it that the slow pokes think they belong in the fast lane, anyway? Just about the only time I pass on the left is when there is a very large, slow tractor driving down the side of the road. Farmers own the road too, I guess.

Lesson Two: The Plus 5 Rule
The speed limit is actually the posted number + 5. If you're not going 60 in the 55, get out of the way. If you're going faster than that, pass me on the right and enjoy your ticket. A cop (who had pulled over a friend of mine) actually told us that cops in this valley will not pull you over for a mere 5 over. The only time I ever actually go the posted limit is when I'm blocked by two pokies or driving the company vehicle. I have a theory that if people on main street actually went the speed limit, the amount of traffic would improve. My mom always said (and has been proven right on several occasions) if you're stuck behind a slow poke, it's probably an old man in a hat. Look for yourself next time. Therefore, I propose, old men in hats should be limited to back roads and buses.

Lesson Three: Avoiding a Ticket
There are certain areas where you must (ABSOLUTELY MUST) obey the laws. Locals know the hot spots for cops and speed traps. If you know better, you will not speed through Nibley (besides the allowed 5 over). If you're smart, you will not roll through a stop sign in Providence. I happened to learn that one the hard way. And at night, be aware of reflective vehicles and cars parked in sneaky places. It's also a good idea to be careful near the end of the month or you may fall subject to the rumored "quota".

Lesson Four: Drive Distracted
You may not drive unless you are currently being distracted by one of the following: children, iPod, cell phone, GPS, an old man in a hat, or a built in DVD player.

Lesson Five: Traffic Lights
Yellow means speed up and the first 4 seconds of a red light ("Pink Lights") mean speed up more.

Lesson Six: Intersections
It's acceptable to stop in an intersection on Main Street when traffic is backed up. You will have altleast 3 opportunities to do so if you are in Logan at the right time of day.

Lesson Seven: Stinkin' Peds
Pedestrians don't have the right of way. Drivers own the road, remember?

There you have it. Follow these simple rules and you'll be driving like an idiot in no time. You'll fit right in. Happy driving, Utah.